Have you ever thought about the meaning of joy? How come our joy seems to be a constant rollercoaster in life. Its funny how I can wake up, grinning and brimming with joy, yet the tiniest comment or even thought can turn that ‘joy’ upside down. Some people appear to have been born with a permanent smile, while others have an undeviating frown. Is joy found in circumstance? Does something good have to happen in order to feel joy? Do bad things steal that joy? Or does joy come from another source? A source that is unfailing and unconditional.
I have always known of the foundation of my joy. I have always known that I should find joy in every circumstance. But have I? Even in this trip of a lifetime, a dream come true, I have managed to allow circumstance and daily life get me down. How is that possible? What could be better than traveling around the world, a new country each month, adventures scaling from rickshaw rides in India to whitewater rafting the Nile River to exploring Hong Kong. What could be better than ministering to God’s children in 11 countries from construction work in the Philippians to sharing testimonies in Africa to building relationships at a Café in Croatia. What could be better than increasing God’s kingdom to the ends of the earth?
It’s funny how even an experience such as this becomes a routine. It’s normal. We have figured out what is expected of us, and we do our best to fulfill those expectations. And then we wonder why something is missing. What happened to our joy? The joy of seeing new places, the joy of meeting new people, the joy of living a life that glorifies Christ. Isn’t that our main purpose in this journey, to glorify our God, to bring hope, joy, love, and salvation to the ends of the earth? So, why do I find myself aching for more, for something to replenish my joy?
Last month in Romania, I felt burnt out. I let myself get emotionally exhausted. I was ready to call it quits, not by leaving the race, but by coasting. I let the thoughts of just three more months, one day closer, I’m almost home. The emotions and frustrations of living in community, of so many expectations for the team and for ministry, of missing my boyfriend, began to overwhelm me. It almost feels like I’m exaggerating, but I knew what was happening. I just didn’t know how to handle it. There was no quick solution, it became a process.
A process that led to a rocky start in ministry, a process that left me tired before I even started the day. A process of choosing to live each day fully, of trying to find joy in each activity or circumstance. Towards the end of our time in Arcalia, I started walking in the mornings. These walks led to out loud conversations with God. Sharing my heart, praying for teammates, asking for strength and guidance, I was amazed to see the difference these walks had on my joy. God is ever faithful, as humans we are always trying to do things on our own. The more frustrated I get the more I try to depend on myself. Of course, I’m still praying and I know God is with me, but I beat myself up. I feel like I’m letting people down or even letting God down, when really I’m only escalating the situation in my mind and my heart. And that’s never a good thing!
Not that this process is ever really over, but I’ve come to realize a few things that I pray I’ll never forget. Jesus Christ is the source of my joy. He is why I have life, why I will have eternal life in heaven. Jesus is why I’m even on this journey of a lifetime, because HE called me here. He wants to share the WORLD with me. He placed these desires in my heart. The desire to see His creation and His people all over the world, the desire to help people out of poverty and suffering, the desire to share the SOURCE of my JOY. He is refining me, creating a new masterpiece, indwelling the spirits of peace, hope, and joy into my deepest pockets.
